Acquired Humor

I have taken it upon myself to begin typing out humorous stories, jokes, etc. which are popular with people I talk to in real life. Most people I tell jokes to ask where I've heard them or if I have any others. This page will include all such information as far as I know how to answer. Of course, the best way to convey a joke to another is by telling it to them in person. This, of course, is impossible online and therefore, I will try and make due. Also, I must mention that some of these jokes are "crude" in nature and may not be suitable for younger audiences. I have edited out any unacceptable language using asterisks (*) so as to stay in compliance with Tripod's terms of service. In any case... I will cease my rambling and let you began your reading and hopefully, your laughing.

The Pig Joke

A man walked into a bar and under his arm was a pig with a wooden leg. He took a seat at the bar and a man next to him noticed the pig.

"Hey, nice pig you got there. What's with the wooden leg?"

The farmer turns, looking at the man, readjusts the pig, and says, "Now lemme tell you about this pig." The farmer begins his story, "Once I was out in my fields on my tractor, going along when my feet tripped up on the pedals and I fell out. The tractor was positioned so that I was near to being run over! Wellll.. this here pig done come out of nowhere grabbed my collar and pulled me to safety."

The man listening responded, "Wow! So your pig lost its leg to the tractor?"

The farmer squinted at the man and replied, "Nonono, nuthin' like that. Lemme tell you about this pig." The farmer began again, "Once me my family was nestled all snug in our house when unknown to us a fire began in the barn. Before long the house caught fire and we were still asleep. Wellll... this here pig done come runnin' down the hall squealin' and squallerin' as to wake us up! Carried my youngest out too!"

The man listening responded, "Wow! So your pig lost its leg in the fire right? A fallen beam?"

The farmer adjusted his glasses and replied, "Nonono, nuthin' like that. Lemme tell you about this pig." The farmer continued, "Once, a few summers ago, out in our lake, my daughter was swimming. She weren't too old, eight or nine I s'pose," the farmer gets teary eyed, "And the poor girl done got caught on branch. The poor thing was pinned down and being pulled under. Wellll... this here pig done come runnin' across the lawn, jumped in the lake, unsnagged my little girl, and done swum her to safety!"

The man listening responded, "Wow! That's some pig! So it got its leg caught on a branch right? Or injured its leg while swimming?"

The farmer frowned and said, "Now where'd you get THAT idea??" The man was flustered and said, "Well... if he didn't injure his leg then how DID he lose it?"

The farmer responded, "Well... with a pig that good you don't eat 'im all at once."


The Englishman, the Frenchman, and the New Yorker

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a New Yorker were travelling together when they came upon a tribe of Pawnee Indians. The tribesmen immediately tied them up and dragged them to camp. They were positioned before the head chief as he began to speak:

"You have trespassed on our lands. We will flay your skins to make our canoes. However, we will respectfully give you each your own choice of death."

The Frenchman was first. He chose poison. The chief handed him his poison, the Frenchman said, "Vive la France!" and drank it.

The Englishman came next. He requested a pistol. The chief handed him the weapon, the Englishman said, "God save the Queen!" and shot himself.

Last was the New Yorker. The chief asked, "And what means do you require for ending your life?" The New Yorker replied, "Gimme a fork." The chief, somewhat puzzled by the request, hands over a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork, stabs himself all over his body and yells, "SO MUCH FOR YOUR CANOE!!"


The Waiter and the Spoon

One day a woman and a couple of her friends were in a restaurant. The woman was eating her meal when she noticed that their waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket. After looking around the establishment she noticed that all the waiters had spoons in their pockets. After awhile, curiosity got to her and she stopped her waiter as he was refilling her glass.

"Excuse me, I was wondering... why is it the waiters have spoons in their shirt pockets?"

The waiter then began his explanation. "Well, last month our employers took the trouble to begin examining ways in which service to our customers was being slowed down and researching ways to improve it. Studies showed that the spoon is the most commonly dropped eating utensil. And, if a patron drops a utensil, it takes time for our waiters to take the utensil back and bring another. This time does not benefit our restaurant and it is therefore beneficial to eliminate it. We have done this by enforcing a policy in which all waiters carry a spoon in their shirt pockets and if they replace a dropped spoon, they pick up another on their next trip to the kitchen."

The woman then replied, "I see. That makes sense." Somewhere at another table a patron dropped a spoon and the waiter immediately went to replace it. The woman continued eating her meal. After awhile she observed another curiousity about her waiter. He had a black thread hanging from his pants' zipper. On further observation she found that all the waiters had the same black thread.

Eventually she gained the courage to ask the waiter, "Excuse me, the umm... black thread?"

The waiter stopped and began, "Oh. That. Well, as I explained earlier, our employers were examining events in a waiter's duty that used unnecessary time away from work. The single most time wasting event in a waiter's job is washing his hands. Our employers discovered that by encouraging the use of threads tied to the waiters selves, our waiters could pull themselves out when using the restroom without actually touching themselves, thus, the waiters would not need to wash their hands."

The woman replied, "Oh. I see. But... well... how do the waiters get themselves back in?"

The waiter then stooped over closer to the woman's ear and said, "Well, I dunno about the other waiters, but I use my spoon."


The Jar of Twenties

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar crammed full of twenties. He walks up to the bar and says to the bartender, "Wow... that's a lot of money... where'd it all come from?"

The bartender lights up a cigar and replies, "Well, you see, we got this bet running at the bar."

"What is it?"

"Well, first off, the participant puts a twenty in the jar. And has to pass three tests."

"What are they?"

"You see that Russian at the end of the bar?"

"You mean that huge guy with the mustache and all the scars?"

"Yeah. Him. You have to knock him out."

"Man, no one could do that."

"Well... look at the jar of twenties."

"Yeah. Well, what's the next test?"

The bartender leads the man into another room. In the corner is a ferocious rottweiler dog chained to the wall barking, snarling, and gnashing its teeth. The bartender says, "See this dog here?"

"Yeah."

"He has a sore tooth, way in the back of his lower jaw."

"Yeah."

"Well... you have to pull it out."

"Whoa! No way I'd get near that dog!"

The bartender replied, "Well... look at the jat of twenties."

"What's the last test?"

The bartender grinned, "Come upstairs."

The bartender and the man made their way up the stairs to a dim, closeted room. Sitting in a chair was an old, crusty, wrinkled woman. The bartender said, "The last test. This woman hasn't been with a man for years. You have to satisfy her needs."

The man suddenly wrinkled his face and said, "Eww, yuck! That's disgusting! NO ONE would ever do that!"

The bartender replied, "Well... look at the jar of twenties."

The bartender and the man went back downstairs as the man shook his head in dsigust. Well, hours later, the man who had inquired about the bet was plastered, barely able to stand. He went up to the bar, slapped a twenty down. The bartender put the twenty in the jar and the man began walking towards the Russian. WHAM! With one hit the man flattened the Russian on the floor. The man then walked into the other room. The bartender was listening as he heard the rottweiler begin to get louder and louder while straining against its chains. The bartender said, "Man, he's really pulling its tooth."

Just then the man came tottering out of the room all scratched and bloody, but still standing. He then said, "So... where's the old lady who needs a tooth pulled?"


The Triplets and BBs

A man had three sons, all born on the same day being triplets. Well, it was their birthday and he was making a cake. After he was done frosting he was going to spell out their names using those little silver candy balls. However, he found that they didn't have any. Figuring it wouldn't be much of a problem, he decided to use BB pellets. The party went fine and everyone enjoyed it.

Later that day the father was sitting in the living room reading a newspaper, when one of his sons came running in screaming.

"Daddy, Daddy, I was peeing and a BB came out!"

The father replied, "That's ok son, don't worry about it."

The boy left and the father continued reading his paper. A few minutes later another one of his sons came running in screaming.

"Daddy, Dady, I was peeing and a BB came out!"

The father replied, "That's ok son, don't worry about it."

The boy left and the father continued reading his paper. A little later another one of his sons came running in saying.

"Daddy, Daddy..."

The father put down his paper and said, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a BB came out."

The kid shook his head and said, "No. I was jacking off and I shot the cat."


An Affair and a Refrigerator

A man and his wife were having some problems. He suspected that she had been cheating on him. One day, in the middle of work, he decided to rush home to their apartment and surprise his wife. When he got there, he burst through the door to find his wife standing there in her robe. She asked him what he was doing while looking completely innocent. He ignored her and rushed around searching the apartment. He finally ran out onto their balcony where they kept their refrigerator and a few chairs. He noticed a man's hands gripping the ledge. He ran got a hammer and began hitting the man's fingers. The man loosened his grip only to catch a hold of the man's pants. The man with the hammer grabbed onto the refrigerator as the ledge gave way and both men and the refrigerator came crashing down to the ground below.

The men are now standing at Heaven's Gate and are in line to talk to St. Peter.

The first guy steps up and St. Peter says, "Look, we've been having a rough day and only those who really deserve it can get in. So, what's you're story?"

The man said, "Well. It was all very strange. I was watering the plants on my apartment balcony when I tripped on the hose and fell. I landed on another guy's balcony with just my fingers to hold on. THEN, some maniac came by and starting banging on my fingers! I fell and, well, here I am."

St. Peter replied, "Wow, that is pretty harsh. You may enter."

The next guy steps up and St. Peter says, "We've been having a rough day and only those who really deserve it can get in. What's you're story?"

The man said, "Well... my wife and I had been having problems for months. I thought she was cheating on me and I came home very angry. When I went out onto the balcony I found a guy hanging on, so I took action. He grabbed my leg, I grabbed the refrigerator, and we all fell, the refrigerator landing on me."

St. Peter replied, "Wow, that is pretty harsh. You may enter."

Another guy steps up to St. Peter. St Peter said, "So, what's your story?"

The man replied, "Well... I was hiding naked in a refrigerator..."


A Day Outdoors

Two men went out hunting one day. Bob and Fred. Bob was a real hardcore hunter, had a license for deer, bears, lions, fish, mosquitoes, you name it. Fred, on the other hand, had never touched a gun in his life. The two men were in a clearing when Bob told Fred to sit quietly by a tree while he went ahead to look for game. Bob made it very explicit that Fred was not to make any noise so he wouldn't scare off the animals. So, Fred sat down by a pine, said that he'd stay quiet and Bob proceeded to move out. A few minutes later Bob heard a blood-curdling scream. He came running back to the clearing to find Fred no longer sitting where he had been, but in fact about fifteen or twenty feet away, but clearly unhurt. Bob was furious.

"I told you not to make a sound!" Bob yelled. Fred replied, "When a bear came by and sniffed my shirt... I didn't make a peep. When a snake crawled over my legs... I didn't move a muscle. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pantleg and I heard them say, 'should we eat them now, or save them for later' I...


A Presidential Jog

One winter day President Clinton was jogging through the snow. He suddenly halted in his tracks when he saw something on the ground. Written on the snow, in pee, was "BILL CLINTON SUCKS" Bill was furious! He called up the FBI, the CIA, the ATF, the DAR, anyone and everyone he could to get to the bottom of this. After months of chemical testing, DNA analysis and other research methods, the chief technician went to the Oval Office to talk with the President.

"Well Mr. President... there's good news and bad news," began the technician. "Well, I'll take the good news first," replied Bill. "After extensive testing we found that the urine belongs to Al Gore." "WHAT?!? That skinny little punk would be nowhere with out me! How is that GOOD news?? Well... what's the bad news?" The technician replied, "Well, sir... it was in Chelsea's handwriting."


Modern Medicine

A man and his wife were with their doctor and decided that to increase their relationship they would get a "performance" increasing drug for the husband. They go home and that night they give the drug its first trial. With one pill they're doing great. The next night they try two pills and its amazing. The next night the wife decides to give her husband the whole bottle.

Hours later the police are asking the couple's daughter what's wrong. She replies, "My mommy's dead, my sister's in the hospital, my brother says his butt hurts, and my dad's in the backyard saying 'Here kitty, kitty!'"


The Shotglass Bet

A man is sitting in a bar when he begins talking with the bartender. "Hey, you see that shotglass over there?"

A shotglass is sitting at least ten feet away at the other end of the bar.

The bartender says, "Yeah."

The man says, "I'll bet you 500 dollars that I can pee into that shotglass from where I'm sitting now and not miss a single drop."

The bartender, seeing that this will be an easy win, says, "You're on."

The man sitting there whips out and begins peeing all over. He's peeing on the floor, all over the bar, all over himself, all over the bartender. Everywhere BUT the shotglass. The bartender is laughing hysterically having just won a bet and asks for his money.

The man says, "Just a second," and then gets up and walks over to a couple men playing pool and comes back with a satisfied grin on his face.

The bartender says, "What are you smiling about? You just lost 500 bucks."

The man replies, "You see those two guys over there? I bet them 2000 bucks apiece that I could pee on your floor, I could pee on your bar, I could pee on you. And not only would you not be angry, but you'd be HAPPY about it."


The Oracular Frog

A man is playing golf one day when a frog hopped onto the course. The man was about to take his swing when it said, "Ribbit, 5 iron, ribbit." The man decided to listen to the frog and chaged clubs to a 5 iron. He took his swing and layed it up all the way onto the green to make a birdie. The next hole he was going to swing when the frog said, "Ribbit, 9 iron, ribbit." The man uses the club to make eagle on the hole.

After the best game of golf in his life the man decides to take the frog with him to Vegas. He goes to the roulette tables when the frog says, "23 black." The man places all his money and wins first shot. He continues the whole night and makes a fortune. Afterwards he goes to his room with the oracular frog in his pocket. He sets it on the hotel desk when he asks the frog how he can ever repay it. The frog replies, "Ribbit, kiss me, ribbit." The man kisses the frog and she turns into a gorgeous 18 year old female... And that your honor is how she got into my room.


Marital Secrets

A man and his wife have been married for nearly fifty years. When they were married each of them got a shoe box and decided to keep only issues of utmost privacy in there from each other. For all their marriage neither had looked in the other's secret box. Well, their 50th anniversary was coming up and the husband went into the bedroom when he happened to notice his wife's shoebox. He figured it'd been 50 years so he'd just take a peek. He took down the shoebox and opened it up to find 3 eggs and $50,000. Quickly he put the box back as he heard his wife coming. The next day, on their anniversary, they were out at dinner when the husband confessed to what he had done. The wife was forgiving and said it was alright since they had been married so long. The husband then decided to venture out and said, "Just one question... why were there 3 eggs in your box?" The wife replied, "Well... everytime we had bad sex I put one in." The husband thinks, 'that's ok... 50 years and three eggs... not bad.' He then asks, "Ok, well what about the $50,000?" His wife responds, "Everytime I got a dozen, I sold them."


Dogs of War

Troubles were rising again between Russia and the United States when the heads of both countries decided to meet. They decided that it would be too costly to go into nuclear warhead production again and unpopular to fight any conventional war. So, the two countries decided that they would settle their differences on a dog fight. Both countries would get one year to bring out the most powerful and fiercest dog they could to have a match to solve which country would win the war. The Russians began breeding immediately with Siberian wolves and huskies along with rottweilers, doberman pinschers, and black labradors. They fed the animal on a diet of milk fed venison and kept it on a constant "work out" by sending in competing dogs to fight it. The dog had defeated over 2,000 animals before the day of the final tournament was to come. The arena was set and the Russian dog was in the corner bound by dozens of thick chains with 6 trainers set about holding him back. From the American corner waddled in a 7 foot Dachsund. The bell rang and the Russian beast charged the American creature. In two seconds the Dachsund completely swallowed the Russian dog.

After the match a Russian team member was talking with an American team member. The Russian asked, "We spent an entire year breeding our most impressive beasts and wolves to create the ultimate in carnivorous perfection... what is American secret?" The American responded, "We spent our year with our best plastic surgeons getting an alligator to look like a Dachsund."


Thirteen Shots

A man walks into a bar, sits down and says, "Bartender, 13 shots of your best liquor."

The batender says, "Sure, what's the occasion?"

The man replies, "My first blowjob."

The bartender says, "Congratulations, but why 13 shots?"

The man replies, "Because the first twelve didn't get the taste out of my mouth."


Lonely at Sea

A sailor is sitting lonely on the deck of a ship when the captain walks up. He asks, "What's the matter?"

The man replies that he misses his wife.

The captain says, "Ah, the sailors have come up with a solution for that problem. See that barrel over there?"

The man nods.

"Stick your dick in it and report to me in the morning."

The man does as he's told and puts his dick in a hole in the barrel. The next morning he reports to the captain that he received the best blowjob of his life.

The captain responds, "Ah, I have good news for you."

The man says, "What's that?"

The captain replies, "You can do that any day, but Thursday."

The man says, "Why not Thursday?"

The captain answers, "Your turn to be in the barrel."


Clinton and Falwell

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whisky and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen prostitute than let liquor touch these lips!" The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice....


Bear Hunting

A man goes hunting for a bear. He sets up a good spot overlooking a lake. Later, the bear comes for a drink. The man fires a shot right between the eyes of the bear. When the man gets down to the lake, there is no sign of the bear. The man feels a tap on his shoulder and turns around to find the bear still alive. The bear says to the man, "Okay, you can either have me kill you or violate you from the rear." The man, valuing his life, bends over and takes his punishment. The next day, the man returns to his hunting spot with determination of killing that bear. He sees the bear again, and fires a shot to the back of the bears head. Again the man goes to retrieve the bear's body, and again the bear is gone. The man feels another tap on his shoulder, and turns around to find the bear again with the same ultimatum. The man bends over and takes his punishment in shame. The man comes back on the third day with an elephant gun. He is full of anger and disgust with himself, but will not rest until he has killed the bear. He climbs once more to his perch. The bear returns again, and the man fires the elephant gun straight to the bear's side, aiming for the heart. The bear falls to the ground. The man jumps with joy, and climbs down to go retrieve the bear. When the man reaches the lake, he is astonished to find the bear missing, yet again. He feels an all-too-familiar tap on his shoulder, and turns to face the bear. Before the bear repeats the ultimatum, he asks of the man, "Man, you don't come here for the hunting. Do you?!?"


A Problem of Size

A man had a problem. This problem being that his "lower unit" was 25 inches long. Everytime he got close with a woman she was repulsed by the enormity of it. He decided to go to the doctor. The doctor said, "Well... there's not much I can do about this," and then he hesitated, "but I do know someone who may be able to help." The man asked who and the doctor replied, "She's into voodoo, a witch doctor of sorts." So the doctor gave the man the woman's address and the man went to see her.

She said, "Go out into the middle of the swamp and you will find a frog. Ask it to marry you."

So, the man, trusting the woman, goes out to the swamp and sure enough sees a frog on the far bank. The man calls out, "Will you marry me?" The frog blinks, croaks and responds, "Ribbit, no." The man feels something and checks himself. Sure enough, he's shrunk 5 inches. However, 20 inches is still too long. He calls out again, "Will you marry me?" The frog blinks, and responds, "Ribbit, no." The man then loses another 5 inches. He thinks about it and 15 inches is too long. Ten would be great. So he calls out again, "Will you marry me?" The frog blinks, rolls its eyes, and yells back, "How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, NO!!!"


Unnamed Toilet Paper

A tribe of Native Americans go to a general store and ask the clerk for "Fifty rolls of cheapest toilet paper." The clerk gives them the toilet paper, they pay, then leave. The next day, the tribe comes back and asks for, "One hundred rolls cheapest toilet paper." The clerk gives them the toilet paper, they pay, then leave. The next day, the tribe comes in again and asks, "Two hundred rolls cheapest toiler paper." The clerk says, "Wait a minute... look guys... this stuff is so cheap, it doesn't even have a name yet. If you can come up with a suitable name, I'll give you all this stuff you want, free of charge." The tribe agrees to this and they go home. They come back the next day and the clerk asks, "So have you come up with a name?" The chief says, "Yes. John Wayne Paper." The clerk says, "John Wayne Paper? Why John Wayne?" The chief replies, "Because he's rough and tough and don't take no crap from Indians."


Christian Bears

A man is hunting in a forest when he spots two bears. He aims and shoots. Both bears look up and start running at him. He missed. The man gets down on his knees and begins to pray, "O Lord, let these bears be Christian bears." The bears, just before they reach him stop. The bears then fold their paws and say, "Bless us O Lord, for these thy gifts..."