A man walked into a bar and under his arm was a pig with a wooden leg. He took a seat at the bar and a man next to him noticed the pig.
"Hey, nice pig you got there. What's with the wooden leg?"
The farmer turns, looking at the man, readjusts the pig, and says, "Now lemme tell you about this pig." The farmer begins his story, "Once I was out in my fields on my tractor, going along when my feet tripped up on the pedals and I fell out. The tractor was positioned so that I was near to being run over! Wellll.. this here pig done come out of nowhere grabbed my collar and pulled me to safety."
The man listening responded, "Wow! So your pig lost its leg to the tractor?"
The farmer squinted at the man and replied, "Nonono, nuthin' like that. Lemme tell you about this pig." The farmer began again, "Once me my family was nestled all snug in our house when unknown to us a fire began in the barn. Before long the house caught fire and we were still asleep. Wellll... this here pig done come runnin' down the hall squealin' and squallerin' as to wake us up! Carried my youngest out too!"
The man listening responded, "Wow! So your pig lost its leg in the fire right? A fallen beam?"
The farmer adjusted his glasses and replied, "Nonono, nuthin' like that. Lemme tell you about this pig." The farmer continued, "Once, a few summers ago, out in our lake, my daughter was swimming. She weren't too old, eight or nine I s'pose," the farmer gets teary eyed, "And the poor girl done got caught on branch. The poor thing was pinned down and being pulled under. Wellll... this here pig done come runnin' across the lawn, jumped in the lake, unsnagged my little girl, and done swum her to safety!"
The man listening responded, "Wow! That's some pig! So it got its leg caught on a branch right? Or injured its leg while swimming?"
The farmer frowned and said, "Now where'd you get THAT idea??" The man was flustered and said, "Well... if he didn't injure his leg then how DID he lose it?"
The farmer responded, "Well... with a pig that good you don't eat 'im all at once."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a New Yorker were travelling together when they came upon a tribe of Pawnee Indians. The tribesmen immediately tied them up and dragged them to camp. They were positioned before the head chief as he began to speak:
"You have trespassed on our lands. We will flay your skins to make our canoes. However, we will respectfully give you each your own choice of death."
The Frenchman was first. He chose poison. The chief handed him his poison, the Frenchman said, "Vive la France!" and drank it.
The Englishman came next. He requested a pistol. The chief handed him the weapon, the Englishman said, "God save the Queen!" and shot himself.
Last was the New Yorker. The chief asked, "And what means do you require for ending your life?" The New Yorker replied, "Gimme a fork." The chief, somewhat puzzled by the request, hands over a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork, stabs himself all over his body and yells, "SO MUCH FOR YOUR CANOE!!"
One day a woman and a couple of her friends were in a restaurant. The woman was eating her meal when she noticed that their waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket. After looking around the establishment she noticed that all the waiters had spoons in their pockets. After awhile, curiosity got to her and she stopped her waiter as he was refilling her glass.
"Excuse me, I was wondering... why is it the waiters have spoons in their shirt pockets?"
The waiter then began his explanation. "Well, last month our employers took the trouble to begin examining ways in which service to our customers was being slowed down and researching ways to improve it. Studies showed that the spoon is the most commonly dropped eating utensil. And, if a patron drops a utensil, it takes time for our waiters to take the utensil back and bring another. This time does not benefit our restaurant and it is therefore beneficial to eliminate it. We have done this by enforcing a policy in which all waiters carry a spoon in their shirt pockets and if they replace a dropped spoon, they pick up another on their next trip to the kitchen."
The woman then replied, "I see. That makes sense." Somewhere at another table a patron dropped a spoon and the waiter immediately went to replace it. The woman continued eating her meal. After awhile she observed another curiousity about her waiter. He had a black thread hanging from his pants' zipper. On further observation she found that all the waiters had the same black thread.
Eventually she gained the courage to ask the waiter, "Excuse me, the umm... black thread?"
The waiter stopped and began, "Oh. That. Well, as I explained earlier, our employers were examining events in a waiter's duty that used unnecessary time away from work. The single most time wasting event in a waiter's job is washing his hands. Our employers discovered that by encouraging the use of threads tied to the waiters selves, our waiters could pull themselves out when using the restroom without actually touching themselves, thus, the waiters would not need to wash their hands."
The woman replied, "Oh. I see. But... well... how do the waiters get themselves back in?"
The waiter then stooped over closer to the woman's ear and said, "Well, I dunno about the other waiters, but I use my spoon."
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar crammed full of twenties. He walks up to the bar and says to the bartender, "Wow... that's a lot of money... where'd it all come from?"
The bartender lights up a cigar and replies, "Well, you see, we got this bet running at the bar."
"What is it?"
"Well, first off, the participant puts a twenty in the jar. And has to pass three tests."
"What are they?"
"You see that Russian at the end of the bar?"
"You mean that huge guy with the mustache and all the scars?"
"Yeah. Him. You have to knock him out."
"Man, no one could do that."
"Well... look at the jar of twenties."
"Yeah. Well, what's the next test?"
The bartender leads the man into another room. In the corner is a ferocious rottweiler dog chained to the wall barking, snarling, and gnashing its teeth. The bartender says, "See this dog here?"
"He has a sore tooth, way in the back of his lower jaw."
"Well... you have to pull it out."
"Whoa! No way I'd get near that dog!"
The bartender replied, "Well... look at the jat of twenties."
"What's the last test?"
The bartender grinned, "Come upstairs."
The bartender and the man made their way up the stairs to a dim, closeted room. Sitting in a chair was an old, crusty, wrinkled woman. The bartender said, "The last test. This woman hasn't been with a man for years. You have to satisfy her needs."
The man suddenly wrinkled his face and said, "Eww, yuck! That's disgusting! NO ONE would ever do that!"
The bartender replied, "Well... look at the jar of twenties."
The bartender and the man went back downstairs as the man shook his head in dsigust. Well, hours later, the man who had inquired about the bet was plastered, barely able to stand. He went up to the bar, slapped a twenty down. The bartender put the twenty in the jar and the man began walking towards the Russian. WHAM! With one hit the man flattened the Russian on the floor. The man then walked into the other room. The bartender was listening as he heard the rottweiler begin to get louder and louder while straining against its chains. The bartender said, "Man, he's really pulling its tooth."
Just then the man came tottering out of the room all scratched and bloody, but still standing. He then said, "So... where's the old lady who needs a tooth pulled?"
A man had three sons, all born on the same day being triplets. Well, it was their birthday and he was making a cake. After he was done frosting he was going to spell out their names using those little silver candy balls. However, he found that they didn't have any. Figuring it wouldn't be much of a problem, he decided to use BB pellets. The party went fine and everyone enjoyed it.
Later that day the father was sitting in the living room reading a newspaper, when one of his sons came running in screaming.
"Daddy, Daddy, I was peeing and a BB came out!"
The father replied, "That's ok son, don't worry about it."
The boy left and the father continued reading his paper. A few minutes later another one of his sons came running in screaming.
"Daddy, Dady, I was peeing and a BB came out!"
The father replied, "That's ok son, don't worry about it."
The boy left and the father continued reading his paper. A little later another one of his sons came running in saying.
The father put down his paper and said, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a BB came out."
The kid shook his head and said, "No. I was jacking off and I shot the cat."
A man and his wife were having some problems. He suspected that she had been cheating on him. One day, in the middle of work, he decided to rush home to their apartment and surprise his wife. When he got there, he burst through the door to find his wife standing there in her robe. She asked him what he was doing while looking completely innocent. He ignored her and rushed around searching the apartment. He finally ran out onto their balcony where they kept their refrigerator and a few chairs. He noticed a man's hands gripping the ledge. He ran got a hammer and began hitting the man's fingers. The man loosened his grip only to catch a hold of the man's pants. The man with the hammer grabbed onto the refrigerator as the ledge gave way and both men and the refrigerator came crashing down to the ground below.
The men are now standing at Heaven's Gate and are in line to talk to St. Peter.
The first guy steps up and St. Peter says, "Look, we've been having a rough day and only those who really deserve it can get in. So, what's you're story?"
The man said, "Well. It was all very strange. I was watering the plants on my apartment balcony when I tripped on the hose and fell. I landed on another guy's balcony with just my fingers to hold on. THEN, some maniac came by and starting banging on my fingers! I fell and, well, here I am."
St. Peter replied, "Wow, that is pretty harsh. You may enter."
The next guy steps up and St. Peter says, "We've been having a rough day and only those who really deserve it can get in. What's you're story?"
The man said, "Well... my wife and I had been having problems for months. I thought she was cheating on me and I came home very angry. When I went out onto the balcony I found a guy hanging on, so I took action. He grabbed my leg, I grabbed the refrigerator, and we all fell, the refrigerator landing on me."
St. Peter replied, "Wow, that is pretty harsh. You may enter."
Another guy steps up to St. Peter. St Peter said, "So, what's your story?"
The man replied, "Well... I was hiding naked in a refrigerator..."
Two men went out hunting one day. Bob and Fred. Bob was a real hardcore hunter, had a license for deer, bears, lions, fish, mosquitoes, you name it. Fred, on the other hand, had never touched a gun in his life. The two men were in a clearing when Bob told Fred to sit quietly by a tree while he went ahead to look for game. Bob made it very explicit that Fred was not to make any noise so he wouldn't scare off the animals. So, Fred sat down by a pine, said that he'd stay quiet and Bob proceeded to move out. A few minutes later Bob heard a blood-curdling scream. He came running back to the clearing to find Fred no longer sitting where he had been, but in fact about fifteen or twenty feet away, but clearly unhurt. Bob was furious.
"I told you not to make a sound!" Bob yelled. Fred replied, "When a bear came by and sniffed my shirt... I didn't make a peep. When a snake crawled over my legs... I didn't move a muscle. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pantleg and I heard them say, 'should we eat them now, or save them for later' I...
One winter day President Clinton was jogging through the snow. He suddenly halted in his tracks when he saw something on the ground. Written on the snow, in pee, was "BILL CLINTON SUCKS" Bill was furious! He called up the FBI, the CIA, the ATF, the DAR, anyone and everyone he could to get to the bottom of this. After months of chemical testing, DNA analysis and other research methods, the chief technician went to the Oval Office to talk with the President.
"Well Mr. President... there's good news and bad news," began the technician. "Well, I'll take the good news first," replied Bill. "After extensive testing we found that the urine belongs to Al Gore." "WHAT?!? That skinny little punk would be nowhere with out me! How is that GOOD news?? Well... what's the bad news?" The technician replied, "Well, sir... it was in Chelsea's handwriting."